if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
