Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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