I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
