I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
