I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
