Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
