got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
