my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
