If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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