After last night, I could never be a politician.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize