My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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