If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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