I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
