I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
