he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
