A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
