before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
