No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
