can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
