I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
