if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
