Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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