Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
