I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
