Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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