If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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