bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
