So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
