you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
