Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
