I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
