Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
