youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
