I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
