Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Panties = found
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