I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
