I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
