I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
