1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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