i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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