i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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