New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
