Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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