you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
