I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
