i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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