I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
