Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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