You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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