I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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