Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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