My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
