I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
