I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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